i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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