So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
