i think my mom watched the whole time
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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