I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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