I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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