Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
