about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
