is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
