Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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