I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize