I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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