My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
