I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
