just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
