My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
