The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize