He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
