I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
