I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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