Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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