just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize