life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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