I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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