come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
