i need an iv and a liver transplant
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
