:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize