everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
