Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you traded sex for a burrito?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize