Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
