mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Couch. On fire.
Randomize