Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Bring me that man meat
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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