I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
