o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize