It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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