my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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