I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
