I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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