It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
