I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
