The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
