I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
