I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
