Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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