WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
