a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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