Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
