Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
