I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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