Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
