"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
