And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize