Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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