I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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