you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
