1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
