I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
