You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
