i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
