I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Mom said you looked used
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
